I remember when I first started blogging, how inviting it was to log in and start writing. I have to say, that the way wordpress is set up now feels super non-inviting (if you are reading this elsewhere I’m posting this from wordpress) . All over the page are all little distractions that ask about sharing buttons, images for card tags, etc. Is it weird that I prefer LiveJournal still? – but of course now we are all aware of owning our content and about sites closing down on us after years of use (looking at you Xanga)
When I come here I feel like I’m supposed to write something profound, when really I’m just trying to keep track of time, and events, and share whatever is on my mind in a format that isn’t created for re-shares and ‘likes’.
So, in regards to events , I guess I’ll start there. It is nearing the summer of 2021, we are all sick of hearing about covid. But it’s still kicking about. Myself, my partner and two of my sons have got their 1st shot. I’m the only one out of the bunch that got Moderna, seems it was not Pfizer day at the clinic the day I went. I really didn’t mind either way, just glad to get it. Most of my family has got their second doses now so there is some progress. Even with variants in Canada definitely being a concern, the numbers have dropped in a big way. From over 1000 daily a few weeks ago to less than 200/day.
My partner and I joined the ‘local’ synagogue. I say local because it’s about 120km away but still the closest. It’s Reform which I really connect with. My partner is not Jewish, but he really enjoys practicing Judaism with me and he looks forward to Shabbat as much as I do. We love our Challah. Shabbat is the one 24 hour period where I try to feel guilt free about overeating carbs. Work in progress – the rest of the week I do pretty well. With the Israel/Palestine issue that took place (and really, is always taking place) it was definitely a challenging time to re-embrace Judaism. Lots of things to really think about and learn about.
I am on a new SSRI – I started escitalopram back in October, but in April I wasn’t feeling it was successfully working on my anxiety. It also made me nap a lot. Sleeping felt good. I LOVED sleeping! I was only on the 10mg but rather than bump up to 20 I asked if we could try sertraline (zoloft). I know it’s a pretty old school ssri, but paxil had worked well for me many years ago before it pooped out and so I figured maybe it’s distant cousin sertraline could be helpful.
The doctor wanted me to start on 75 mg for 2 weeks then to be on 100mg after that. I thought that was kind of high. I started on 50, after a few weeks I went to 75. That seemed to be pretty good, mainly with the anxiety. My anxiety definitely improved. But the slight darkness was still there, and since it had been improved with escitalopram I realized that for depression the sertraline might need to be bumped up. So I started the 100 last Thursday.
I don’t feel worse, so that’s good.
I mean, my daughter died a few years ago and I don’t expect anything to fully take away that heaviness. That will break through no matter what I take, no matter what I do.
My youngest two boys, 12 and 13 haven’t been cuddly and sweet since they were about 6 or MAYBE 7 – but lately are full fledged teens. Dismissive, eye-rolling – leaving me feeling like I’m just a nuisance in their life. Accompanied by a similar dismissive attitude that my 30+ yr old has toward me, and my mid 20’s son this past week getting mad at me and being really rude because I asked him more than once if he was going to get vaccinated – I felt like shit.
It brought up so many feelings of uselessness and not being appreciated. I was walking home from work last week and as the thoughts of how shitty these boys of mine could be (whom I love like crazy – which is why it hurts i guess) it popped into my mind that my daughter would have gotten on her brothers’ case. She thought I was smart. She sought my advice. She shared funny things with me, tagged me in things that she thought I’d like. She never made me feel like I wasn’t a good mom.
I guess it’s a normal parenting thing, to feel as though you love your kids more than they love you. But Caitlin never made me feel like that. She always made me feel like she loved me just as much. I miss that a lot.
Other than that things are ok. As I said, the zoloft seems to be helping the anxiety, the kids are healthy and well, my relationship with my partner is still really wonderful,, our bunny Ebby has himself a partner now. Her name is Waffles and he loves her a lot. She loves him too – it took very little time to bond. He was still a bit mounty after he was neutered, so was a BIT of a bug when we first got her but in time that passed and now they are a lovely couple.
The rats are fine, including the ‘yard boys’ we adopted from a friend. The yard boys are completely unsocialized and very bitey. (not her doing, she received them that way and felt badly because her kids became quite scared of them and really they were almost feral) The best we can do for them is give them a good large clean cage, healthy food, fresh water, and each others company. We have tried to get them used to being handled but it’s not a thing. And not worth their fear. They will take treats from us now and we are thrilled about it. We talk to them and they watch, clinging to the side of their cage, while we take our other boys out from the big cage next to them – almost like they’re thinking ‘wow, those weird rats… look at them! They are letting those weird humans TOUCH THEM!!!’ – they literally seem to be in awe. But not in a way that makes them want to try it themselves.
I’ve joined Weight Watchers which i might have written in another post – in fact this entry may have repeated stuff I’ve already said – I didn’t read to check first. Figured I would just write while I was feeling like it. So far Ive not lost a thing – but I just switched to the Green program and am also low carbing. WW is good for portion control which I need help with because even with low carb I can totally overdue it.
So that’s about it – I start my shift in 15 min, so time to wrap this up .
Till next time.