Untitled

The summer has been odd.
I’ve not spent the time outside that I normally have. We went away to the island, and that was fantastic, but then we got back here and I fell into my same old habits of internet addiction.
The sad thing is, I’m not even focused.
Started a course in Kemeticism and I am 6 assignments behind. I’ve gained more weight. I have so many ideas about different things and nothing gets complete. Then I feel  like a failure.
My perception is so easily skewed.
Part of me wants to accept that it is simply the way I am, and accept, and love myself regardless.
The other part of me thinks that’s a huge fucking cop-out.
I feel this constant irritation or tug. This vague vastness that is trying to pull me out of the chaos and bring me home.
I don’t know what it is though, so it just pricks and prods at me.
I need to get back into my spiritual practice – but try as I might, ‘little me’ has other ideas. Wanting to play games, browse online endlessly, start a million projects and complete none.
It’s a sense of exasperation that ‘Real Me’ is having with ‘little me’ — wanting to move forwards, but being tripped and tricked into circles.
I tell myself that I’m going to finish this, or organize that and I feel quite sure about it and then lo and behold —- nope.
This inward spiral is helping. Shorter days and cooler nights.
Seems to calm down that excited little voice and I feel that inner solidity finding its way again.
One can only hope.

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7 thoughts on “Untitled

  1. I can relate to much of this. I do understand that irritation at not doing what you should do or want to do. I do spend too much time on the internet but Facebook is my biggest waste of time – just scrolling, liking things, reading stuff, taking quizzes. I nearly close my fb so often but keep it because there are people on there I care about and I get to see their photos and read little things so I keep it. Maybe fall will indeed lead us to better clarity and focus. peace always

    • 🙂 Thank you for the response
      Reminds me — is Xanga still there? I’ve not checked in a few months. I think my one year subscription is coming due.
      My son moved to Japan for a year and so I stay on FB with an avatar account (my gaming avatar) so that I can talk to him but dont get caught up in anything else. I had to close my reg one down last spring just to get me off there. However I easily find other things to distract me. Hugs and blessings to you.

      • Xanga is still there but seems to be hanging by a thread. People’s accounts seem to renew at different times. I had a friend already renew. He is happy with his small group of friends on there. Mine comes up Oct 1. I can not justify renewing. I miss old Xanga. I hate that 2.0 was a scam – or certainly seems to be. I waste too much time on fb & think of closing mine but one thing that keeps me there is my daughter’s friends. I imagine your son is enjoying Japan. What a unique experience. I’m glad you have an easy way to keep in contact. What about Skype as well? Hugs & peace to you

      • I do use Skype, but he isn’t fond of it. He isn’t the highly communicative sort, and only pops in to facebook from time to time to ask if mail has come for him – or a quick hello. I’m glad he does take the time to do that though.
        Yes nothing was really like Xanga.
        I have used Dreamwidth – as it has some privacy settings and the themes were decent enough. And I have an old LiveJournal — but Xanga was quite different. The privacy settings were good and the interaction was great. How it could have gone from such an amazingly interactive site to many segregated little islands, I have no idea. It makes me sad. Thank you for continuing to be in contact 🙂

      • I understand about done not being highly communicative. I have no idea what to do with myself in the future for blogging. Many of my Xanga came here but some of those are not posting much – but neither am I. I like the convenience of the phone app but I’m not happy with the privacy. I’ve read your Xanga posts. I’ll be around here & there. Peace to you.

  2. Yeah, I’m in the K.O. beginner’s class too and I sort of thought it’d spur a re-dedication as well, but truth be told most of it has been like….la-la-la-la, internet ADD, *runs around a stood up baseball bat with her forehead on the end of it flailing her arms* Truth be told though, communication and email failures in it hasn’t helped that any. I do seriously hope they get that worked out soon or they are going to loose quite a few beginners just out of frustration, at this point, you could tell them you sent the lesson quizzes and they wouldn’t know the difference.

    Best wishes for a better focused and more satisfyingly engaged Fall!

    • LOL — really, I totally chuckled when I read that description of the baseball bat.
      I didn’t get any more work done – though I did make some elderberry elixir today and some salve the other weekend. Oh… and I’m taking a Reiki class in a few weeks. Yes. Totally unfocused. And now it’s time to catch up on some Doctor episodes. Maybe I’ll work on my next assignment (#3?) tomorrow.
      The setting sun is bringing the cool air and that just makes me swoon happily.. so yes. :)… hoping to reconnect to my path in the near future.
      Thank you

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