Days go by that I really have nothing to say. Those times often coincide with a pull to spend time alone. Not in a depression. Just in an effort to remove myself from chaos for a bit. An opportunity to re-connect. To listen to God. To listen to my Self. 

It wasn’t that many years ago that I hated being alone. I needed people around me all the time. During those years I did indeed suffer from depression. I looked to other people to make me feel good. I sought out joy from the company of others. 

It feels nice to no longer have the need for that. I can enjoy the company of others, but just as often (and sometimes more so ) I can enjoy the company of my self. 

I have the desire to be part of a fellowship of people who are interested in the esoteric and mystical angles of Christianity. A weekly rosary, or other prayers… joining with others and doing charitable works. A living lay monastic order or fellowship for those seeking Gnosis through an esoteric Christian avenue. I hope this comes to be. Maybe the Narthex will provide a bit of that. There has been some interest in it, and that’s pretty exciting.  I would also love to see the Order of St. Esclarmonde grow a bit. Become more of a community. 

That’s sort of where I’m at right now. Socially I am happy to just be a bit of a loner right now… unless the opportunity to celebrate the Divine with others is the event of the day, in which case I’m there with bells on! 

It’s been a bit of a waxing and waning thing recently. The overwhelming joy I had felt with my recent experiences has subsided a bit, and I could feel myself trying to force it to repeat. This kind of took away the spontaneity of my dialogue with the Divine. It was feeling a bit pushed… as though I was waiting for something to happen. Nothing has, so I felt a bit deflated. However I am trying to just stay open, receptive, and aware… but I’m working more on the ‘open and receptive’ part. Not in a ready and waiting attitude , but with an attitude of surrender. 

I’m tired, and for the first time in many, many months, I think I am going to go to bed before midnight.

In Love & Light,

ShiloMichelle

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