Almost 37

Where has the time gone?

Seriously… I remember being twenty and thinking about how mid thirties was SO old… and now I am passing the mid thirties and skipping not quite so merrily into my late thirties.

Some days I feel very accomplished. I have five beautiful children, I married the man I had a crush on since my early twenties, we aren’t renting anymore, I feel a sense of spirituality that resonates with who I am, I kicked the smoking habit, learned how NOT to be a drunk. There is much more.

But-

I also feel so very non-accomplished. I have no career, I am still stupidly afraid of learning how to drive (I’m actually afraid of even BEING in a car for very long), I often feel very isolated because I for some reason tend to be quite anti-social in real life. I still have a very hard time with my patience, venomous words often fly from between my lips before I realize that I even formed them in thought in my mind.  I feel socially inadequate in many situations because our financial situation limits us so much. And then kicks in the guilt for not working, not contributing.

Some days I walk around on cloud nine, and other days, I can’t seem to stop crying.

Maybe it’s just sleep deprivation, (though I’ve always been a bit nutty,  just ask the few friends I have that have known me for a long time)… maybe I’m just getting older-and crazier.

I just want to feel at peace. I want to treat others well. I want to be better at loving those around me. Not just the kids, that comes easy… but friends, neighbours… I would like to do more of a service to the world by sending love to it instead of spending as much time as I do wallowing in self – pity.

Well. Now that I have said that (written it) out loud for the world to see, I guess I have no choice but to follow through. 😉

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